Retrouvaille - Saving Marriages

by Rupert & Mohani Tom Yick, Retrouvaille Team Couple

An article in a local newspaper a couple weeks ago highlighted a rise in the divorce rate in Trinidad and Tobago. It stated that between 1982 and 2005 divorces per annum rose from 900 to 1,635.

In conjunction with the rise in divorce it cited a slight decline in the number of marriages from 9,500 weddings in 1982 to 7,000 two decades later.

What the article did not state was that statistics for the rate of divorce in first and second marriages are almost the same; so divorce is certainly not the answer for couples experiencing marital problems. Studies also suggest that over 75% if not all marriages break down at some time or another.

A number of reasons were given for the breakdown between married couples and the decline in the number of marriages: financial and social pressures, the changing roles of men and women in the workplace and in society, a breakdown in moral and spiritual values.

Each one of us reading this article can add to this list. All are valid reasons as they contribute in some degree, in one way or another, but do not explain what seems to be a common virus that attacks all marriages. Into this setting comes Retrouvaille (pronounced retro - vi, with a long i like bye).

It's a programme, which suggests among other things perhaps the basic reason for marriage breakdown is a common lack of understanding of the fundamental nature of marriage.

Retrouvaille suggests that the relationship between wife and husband in marriage can be described as a cycle, continuously revolving around four stages: romance, disillusionment, misery and reawakening.

Stage 1 - Romance

We meet and "fall in love", we are oblivious to the world around us, we are caught up in our own world of dreams, expectations, hopes and of idealism. Together we can conquer the world. This is the birth of our relationship and in order to protect the relationship at this stage, we are, as it were, surrounded by a protective shell like an egg, in which we see no one else but each other. This is romance, we are enchanted!

Stage 2 - Disillusionment

If we stayed in this shell forever there would be no growth, so like the bird we have to break out, spread our wings, grow and develop ourselves and our relationship. At this stage we begin to see each other as we really are, human beings with limitations. We begin to realise that we are not the persons we thought we were when we got married.

Our spouse is not the person we thought we met and the relationship is not what we expected it to be. Somehow responsibilities, children, job, careers and other interests have taken over and we no longer feel that sense of being number one, of being important to our spouse. We begin to distance ourselves and develop compensating activities. This is disillusionment, we are disenchanted!

Stage 3 - Misery

Over a period of time if disillusionment is not properly dealt with we experience misery in our relationship. Our communication by this stage has broken down completely. We seem to be living separate lives. Third party relationships become attractive. We think of separation and divorce as fighting, quarrelling, nagging or silent withdrawal have taken over.

We become very defensive and counter attack at every opportunity to protect ourselves. Life becomes hell!! We carry on our day-to-day activities but we are dead inside. We keep on going because of the children, or God, or for economic or some other reason. We exist in a dark, long tunnel with no light ahead. This is misery, we are suffering!

Stage 4 - Reawakening

The good news is that we can learn how to deal with our disillusionment and misery and achieve a reawakening, a rediscovery of our love. Out of misery there can be a resurrection of the marriage!

Retrouvaille is a ministry within the Catholic Church, which offers a successful solution to the problem of recognising and dealing with disillusionment and misery, but recognises also that this is by no means the only solution. The very word "retrouvaille" means "rediscovery". One of the interesting things about the programme is that participants are not asked to relate their problems to anyone.

The programme is offered internationally in countries like Canada , the United States , Mexico, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Singapore . Here in Trinidad and Tobago Retrouvaille was introduced in 1985 and to date over 400 couples from varied backgrounds and faith beliefs have benefited from it.

Couples experiencing problems in their marriages need to know they are not alone, help is available, just a telephone call away! Should you know of a marriage that can benefit from this message, please show that you care by passing it on.

The programme is offered twice a year and consists of a weekend and post weekend phase over a period of three months. The next programme starts with a weekend on May 5, 2006 . For further information on the Retrouvaille programme call: 663-1460; 667-6604; 637-6877 or 657-5380. Please note this programme is open to all religions not just for Catholics.