My traumatic divorce experience and
my recovery

by Ken

Separation or divorce is traumatic. I know because I am a divorcee. During the process I experienced perhaps the full range of negative emotions. I felt angry, ashamed, bitter, depressed, hostile, lonely, sad, rejected, unsociable and more.

During my participation as a team member of the Separated and Divorced Ministry I learnt from the "New Beginnings" retreat manual that what I experienced was similar to what many separated and divorced couples suffer.

Many of the experiences can be categorised under the five stages of death and dying as first explored by Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, psychiatrist and internationally renowned thanatologist.

She conceptualised five stages in facing one's terminal illness: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This theory is also applicable to many situations involving loss experienced by divorced, separated or widowed persons.

I provide a brief account of my personal crisis.

Denial and Isolation

The paradox of separation and divorce is that despite its high incidence in our society, married couples generally take the complacent stance that it will not happen to us. I was no different. With hindsight, it was apparent that my wife and I drifted apart, over several months, almost imperceptibly.

When I realised my marriage was in trouble, I was confident our differences could be reconciled. Despite our efforts, we were unable to bridge the gap. During this trying period, I searched for some solutions and followed through with some attempts to resolve but regretfully they made little or no difference.

As my hope faded, it was difficult to accept the impending divorce. With my preoccupation in saving my marriage and the uncertainty of coping with the several related changes, I shunned colleagues at work and even my friends.

Anger

I was angry with myself for my misplaced family life priority. For the most part this anger was latent as I chastised myself for my stupidity. Nevertheless there were incidents when I vented my anger, which was out of character and disproportionate to the perceived provocation.

Bargaining

When it was obvious that my wife and I would be divorced, my natural inclination was to give her "hell". However, I still hoped that if I continued to be civil and offered her a fair share of our assets, my wife might recant in pursuing the divorce.

Depression

After our divorce and final separation, I had a void in my life. I felt hurt. I felt disadvantaged in my relationship with others. I felt trapped with my divorcee status and the unyielding stance of the Catholic Church. I felt lonely. I felt I had failed in my personal life. I felt defeated. I became depressed.

Acceptance

In my search for a respite to my depression, I found inspiration from a gospel passage, where Jesus said: " Let him take up his cross daily and follow m e". As I meditated on those words, they had a profound effect in changing my attitude.

I also benefited immensely from the "New Beginnings" retreat. It was an enriching exercise. I was blessed. I also had a better understanding of myself, my relationship with others and most importantly with my God. I then accepted the divorce as "my cross" and a test of my faith.

Conclusion

I want to recommend, without reservation, our weekend retreat to all those who are challenged by being separated, divorced or widowed. This retreat also caters for widowed persons and such persons attending have found the experience just as rewarding as those in my position.

Our next retreat is scheduled for the weekend of March 24-26 from Friday evening with registration commencing at 6.00 p.m. It is a live-in retreat at Credo Retreat House, Holy Faith Convent Compound, Southern Main Rd, Couva.

You may contact me for preliminary registration - Ken at 652 9841 or AFLC office 672 4280 or Dolores at 637 5830 or Kay at 658 6648

Please contact one of us and register. We shall be happy to facilitate a new lease of life for you just as it has done for me.