Connecting with your adult children

Volumes have been written on the parent-child relationship and how to talk to your teen, but little information exists about how to relate to and stay connected with your adult children.  We somehow presume that relating to adult children happens automatically, without effort or intention, but if this be true, why do so many parents have strained relationships with their adult children, and vice versa?

Relating to adult children takes a conscious effort.  I see this effort as more of a spiritual than a psychological task.  I see it as spiritual because it deals with the deepest love we have in this world, the love of our children.  Learning how to harness and channel that love is a spiritual task.

It is also spiritual because our children are the people closest to us.  We can talk about all kinds of love for people who are far away, but until we deal with the love that is right in front of us, and smooth out the wrinkles or accept the invariables in that relationship, we are not going to make spiritual progress.  So here are a few suggestions in answer to the basic question: How do parents relate to and connect with their adult children?

Be appreciative

First of all, we have to accept our children as adults.  That means more than simply not criticizing them.  It means taking a good, long look at them and appreciating them for what they are.  We have to be secure in ourselves to do this.  Looking at them for what they are means that we can put aside what we hoped they would be or what they said they would be or what they might have been or done.  Appreciating them means accepting them with all their warts, mistakes, problems and baggage.

We may have forgotten this, but that is exactly what they did for us when they were growing up!  They had to accept us with all our limits.  They had to go along with us, even if we were short tempered or unfair or grouchy or drank too much.  Now it is our turn.

As “older” adults, you and I would be the first to bristle if our children told us how to live our lives.  Suppose we heard, “Mom and Dad, I think the two of you would be better off in an assisted living facility.  You’ll have someone to cook for you, give you your medicine, and drive you to the store.  And then I will not worry about you.”

We would go through the roof if our children suggested that, especially if we see ourselves as healthy, independent, and still able to make all our own decisions.  WE would probable say, “what’s the matter with you? Don’t you appreciate me as I am?” Just as we become indignant in the face of overprotection, so do our children – and probably all the more because they are younger adults with a lot to  “prove.”  If we do not appreciate them as they are, they wonder, “What’s the matter with my parents? What do I have to do to get some respect around here?

The perfect model for appreciating people is Jesus.  He tells people when they have to shape up, but he does it quickly – and then he accepts them.  To the woman caught in adultery, he says, “Neither do I condemn you.  Go your way, and form now on do not sin again” (John 8:11); to the woman at the well, “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and the one you have now is not your husband” (John 4:17b-18a). 

But, notice, he did not say, “Go home, and when you get yourself straightened out, come back; then we can talk.”  No, he kept right on talking.  He appreciated something in this woman.  He even revealed himself to her, and shared a drink of water with her.  He told what he thought…and then he accepted her. 

The result was amazing.  She not only recognized who spoke to her, but she brought the whole village to Jesus.  And we can presume from the story that she changed her life.

He is the creator of the universe and saviour of the world, but Jesus does not think it is appropriate to sit back and pronounce judgement on everyone.  That is the way he appreciates people, and we are supposed to follow his example, especially with our own children.  The power of appreciation transformed the woman at the well.  It could, over a period of time, do the same for our relationship with our adult children.

Think about all the gyrations we go through for our adult friends.  The reason we are friends with people in adult life is that we overlook a great deal and simply appreciate people as they are: We overlook their pushy personalities because they get things done.  WE overlook their inappropriate remarks because they are funny. 

We overlook their rebuffs and cold-shoulders because we know we can call on them in a crisis.  To all our adult friends we give a break.  In other words, we appreciate who they are, and we don’t make a big deal out of their faults.  We stay friends.

Our children need the same break.  They need parents who can appreciate them for showing up on holidays, stopping by with the grandkids, and using their vacations to visit.  They need parents who can appreciate the love they feel for us, even though they forget to call or write or visit.  Give the “kids” a break. 

The only way we will get to be friends with our adult children is by appreciating them in the same ways we appreciate our other adult friends.  When we sit down with them, after not having seen them in a long time, we don’t give them the third degree about jobs and marriage.  We relax.  We appreciate that nice personality that we spent so long nurturing in our child.

Be your own person

The second suggestion for relating well with our adult children is to keep in mind the maxim that our children do not exist for our fulfilment.  Most of us pay lip service to this truth.  Then we forget it, and live like our childrens’ main goal in life is to please us.  I know a man who, when in his teens, wanted very much to attend the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. 

He failed to make the grade.  When this man’s son was a senior in high school, he too expressed an interest in West Point.  The father was elated.  He helped his son, in every way he could, through the complicated application process.  The boy passed the first hurdle, and his application was moved forward.  The father knew that his son was better qualified than he himself had been as a senior in high school.  His hopes rose.

Then the unthinkable happened – at least in the father’s estimation.  The boy decided he did not want to go to West Point after all.  He told his father that he wanted to go to the local state university.  How could this be?  He begged his son to reconsider West Point.  He even tried to “bribe” him with a gift of money if he went.  Surprisingly, the son remained adamant.  The father was depressed over his son’s choice, but he could do nothing about it.

Children have one obligation: to do what they think is God’s will for them.  Our job as parents, even with our adult children, is to help them discern what God’s will is for them.  To do this, we have to take ourselves out of the equation.  We may like to see our children as doctors or lawyers or great athletes. 

We might like to see them marry the one we consider to be the “right person,” or give parental blessing to the religious vocation we’re sure they have.  But that is of no consequence.  We brought them into this world as unique human beings.  We have to foster that uniqueness, even if it takes a road we never envisioned.

Here’s a little sidebar to the story of the boy who chose to go to West Point.  He went off to the state school, made many friends, and earned a scholarship to graduate school.  He was happy and successful.  He appears to have found “his place,” and as best he can tell, he is doing God’s will. 

Six years later, the father is happy that he did not force his will on his son.  “If my son had gone to West point to please me,” says my friend, “I would have felt responsible if he was not happy.  I would have thought, ‘I got him into this, now I have to help him.’  But when he makes the decision, all I have to do is support him.”

How many parent/child relationships would be calmer, more relaxed, and more enjoyable if parents did not try to force their heirs into being fulfillers of their [parental] dreams?  WE can learn something from the parents of the great saints.  Saint Francis de Sales’ father had a legal career and “the right wife” all picked out for his talented son.  But Francis had other plans. 

He became a priest, and went on to be a holy and intelligent voice of the reformation.  Saint Rose of Lima’s parents were proud of her beauty, but she went on to become the flower of the Americas for the beauty of her soul.  I can’t help thinking that the parents of these saints might be known as saints themselves had they just cooperated with the will of God that opened before them.

Begin

The third thing that we can do to connect with our adult children better is to remember that there is no time like the present for us to begin working on our relationship.  Ask the sixty-six year old man who survived a heart attack and open-heart surgery if he will put off connecting with his adult children, and he will give you a true answer.  But none of us has any time except the present.

Every encounter we have with our children is important because they are the people we love the most.  Whatever we do with them, wherever we meet them, we need to be grateful for the opportunity.  We cannot wait for the “right” time and the “perfect” place; the time is now, the place is here.  Those warm feelings we get when the whole family is together during the holidays may be exceptional moments, but we cannot waste valuable time just waiting for them to happen.

We need to enjoy and make the most of a long distance call on a Tuesday night in February or a surprise visit by a son and daughter after work.  We need to begin relating and loving the very next time we have an encounter with our children.  We don’t have to do anything new or different.  All we have to do is change our attitude.  To do this, we need to some of the obstacles.

Forgive

The inability to forgive is an obstacle to relating now.  A lack of forgiveness anchors us in the past.  It fixes our minds and emotions on what has happened, instead of what is happening.  Life passes us by as we linger on past hurts.  The person who holds a grudge is hurt far more than the person begrudged. 

The grudge bearer is the one who walks around all day with anger and rage; the person inciting all this venom may not even know it.  We must rid ourselves of anger, and if we cannot do it alone, we must get help.  Life is too short to walk around full of anger.  Christianity is too important for any Christian to be sidetracked by hate and an inability to forgive.

Recollect

Another thing that hampers us in our attempt to relate to our adult children in the present moment is the fact that life is so busy.  We put off what we should be doing in order to attend to what is “in our face.”  Recollection is key.  If we are aware of what are the most important things in our life – and for Christians that has to be our relationships – we will insure better time management. 

The only way to achieve this is to stop, from time to time, to assure our lives and evaluate what we are doing and how we are doing.  This kind of examination of conscience helps us to better see ourselves; it gives us an opportunity to change what we do, even what we are.  The only thing sadder than the person who neglects relationships is the person who neglects relationships and doesn’t even know it.

Accept

A failure to accept the behaviour of our adult children – in terms of a life choice, their lifestyle, a divorce, or the way they manage their children – can also hinder relating in the present moment.  I know a lot of parents who are waiting for their children to “change their ways” before letting them in emotionally,

How can they do this?  We may have survived heart attacks, cancers, and accidents, but how quickly we forget that life is fragile and short.  Even in our later years, we act like people who have all the time in the world to set things straight.  So we hold back…waiting.  My advice: Don’t wait.  Connect now.  Love your kids wholeheartedly, no matter what.  You will be happier for it.

Respect

A false notion of respect also prevents us from relating now.  Nothing takes away from the integrity of a person more than a false pride that demands a certain approval – if not honour – from the “younger generation.”  Some parents bemoan the lack of esteem in which they’re held by their offspring, but when children are in their twenties and thirties, it is time to accept, not teach. 

Trying to teach our idea of respect to a twenty or thirty year old usually ends up in hurt feelings on both sides.  Young adults have fragile personal and professional egos.  They often feel insecure.  Do not get into “power struggles” with your adult children.

Relax

James Michener, the famous author, writes in his autobiography that when he was a young man he noticed older people who never seemed bothered by the “trivial faults” of others.  They seemed to reserve their strength and energy for the really important things in life. 

He resolved to be like that when he grew up.  We too can resolve to do this – at any age.  We should do it especially at our age, when strength and energy are at a premium.  If we pay less attention to the “approval” our children give us, we will have more strength left for the really important things in life, like loving in the present moment.

Relating now is not a quantitative thing.  It has nothing to do with how many activities you do.  It has more to do with your attitude, and with your willingness to jump in and be with each other.  An attitude that sees your good relationship with your adult child of primal importance will not permit any resentment from the past or fear of the future to keep you from each other’s love.

Cooperate

If you are having trouble relating because of a strained relationship or an inability to restart a relationship, try working together.  A good idea is to find something you and your adult children can do together.  My son came by to visit one Saturday morning with a pickup truck full of shrubbery.  He worked for a garden store, and he thought the house needed a new look. 

Without even thinking about what we were doing, we unloaded the truck, brought out the shovels and fertilizer, and set to work.  We dug, hauled, talked, and even listened to a ball game on a portable radio.  I bought lunch, and we ate it on the tailgate of the truck.  We spent the day side by side, working and talking without being the least bit self-conscious.  It turned out to one of the most enjoyable days I’d had in a long time.

If you have a problem connecting with your adult child, working together can be a great distraction.  The work becomes the focus instead of the relationship.  Working can defuse many situations, taking away the need to talk and eliminating formality.

Trust

Finally, it is important not to examine our relationships too much.  The connections between a parent and an adult child can be over-analysed.  To put it bluntly, your relationship with your adult child should be much like many of your other adult relationships. 

Respect must dominate the relationship, along with a sincere concern for each other’s welfare.  Neither is out to “control” the other; you simply spend time enjoying each other.  And you do not spend time lamenting why you don’t get together more often.  A healthy relationship makes few demands.

Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living.  For two thousand years, this has been the catch phrase of learned people.  But, like every other good thing, we can overdo it.  Some things flourish when we are not self-conscious about them.

  Sleep comes to mind; the best way to fall asleep is not to think about it.  Sometimes, the best way to relate to someone is to not think about it.  Don’t do anything to “prepare” for it. Simply be there, and see what happens.

This allows us to be spontaneous.  Most of us are more spontaneous than we realise.  Spontaneity does not mean that we break out into song or that we are the life of the party.  IT is more of a relaxed state of mind that allows us to do whatever we think is appropriate at the time, or talk about whatever comes up without preparation.

Spontaneity comes down to trust.  It has nothing to do with creativity.  You can trust yourself because the relationship between a parent and an adult child is unique.  Yours does not have to be – indeed, cannot be – like anyone else’s. Throw out the rulebook.  Do what works for you and your adult child.